havent slept yet

ive been up all night doing my boyfriends laundry. im so tired. and i ate alot while awake. fml im disgusting.

wow its been a long time

wow guys its been a super freakin long time since ive been on here!!! ok well now im at 163 i got down to 155 but of course im disgusting and gained some back. anyway me and nick broke up. and now im with this guy micheal. we have been togher for about 2 1/2 months. and its great. it feels like we have been together forever. we are getting an apartment in may when i graduate. hes 20. lol and we plan on getting married soon :) anway currently im on abc. its day 2 right now. im staying with micheal during spring break (which is now) and he is totally fucking up my abc! lol. he made me go over by 200 yesterday and im probably right at 500 maybe a little over today! grr.

college.

college is so controversial between me and my boyfriend. ugh. i want to go somewhere. he wants to go somewhere like 3000 miles away. now he wants to go where i want to. i want to live in a completely different situation than he does and he doesnt like that. i want to be ina sorority. but apparently thats for faggots and retards and all this shit. i want to have fun. i want to party. i dont want to be tied down. i love him though. we have been dating for almost 3 years. ugh.

abc day 5

ok well its day 5 and i was 169 when i started and today i was 165.2 :) i lost 2.6 lbs. yay. i finally lost weight. my plateau is done.

ew im watching miss march and a gril just drank dog pee. ew. ew. ew.

i have no self control

we had a family dinner. im so fucking full. i ate so much. i have no fucking self control. im not eating tomorrow. ill get a drink but im not eating. you cant make me. nobody can make me. tomorrow is day 3 of abc. 300 cals (i think, maybe 400?) im going to get a drink at lunch. but nothing else. i have work so i cant snack at home. yay. fuck food. i will have control again.

i did this to myself.

my life is shitty because i let it be. i really wanted to go to the football game tonight. did i? no. i wanted to have fun this year. am i going to? no. im tired of my boyfriend because he is such an ass. will i break up with him? no. i want to party and hang out with my friends. will i? no. i want to do all of these things but i wont. its because of my boyfriend. he stops me. he is blocking my fun. im sitting here creeping on my friends pics and they are all happy. they dont have a care in the world. they are just having fun. am i? no. im sitting here. hating myself. hating them being jealous and crying and possibly cutting and wishing i was them.

oh just go on and shoot me

ugh my eating is out of fucking control. i eat EVERYTHING. everything. FUCK FUCK FUCK. im so tired of being fat. i hate it. all my friends are skinny. all of them. i dont have one fat friend. i want some fat friends so i feel skinny.